All of us in Wisconsin were ready for it, but it still stings a bit.  The biggest home run threat Brewers fans have ever known has all but finalized his deal with Detroit, and will likely spend the better part of the next decade wearing the same jersey his dad wore. (Apparently, one Fielder just wasn’t enough.)

What was once possibly the most dangerous 3-4 combination in major league baseball has become an empty clean-up spot and (most likely) a 50 game suspension. 

Well, at least Nyger Morgan’s salary quadrupled this year.  Let’s see if he earns it.

Hoping for the best.

Preparing for the worst.

“…and that about wraps things up here.  We’ll see you next week when Ben Roethlisberger leads the Steelers into Foxboro to take on Tom Brady and the Patriots.  Goodnight.”

Those words just seem to roll off the tongue, don’t they?  It sounds so natural.  If you read it enough times, you almost start to believe it’s true.   But then the reality sets in.  It’s not true.  And why? Why is this not true?

Tim Fucking Tebow.

That’s right folks, little Timmy Tebow led his “little engine that could” team to a thrilling overtime victory that made me want to do nothing more than eat my own vomit so I could throw up twice.

Now, this isn’t an attack on Tim Tebow “the man.”  I’ve read interviews he’s done and for as much as I would love him to sound like the abominable snowman from the Looney Tunes Cartoons, he doesn’t.  In fact, he almost always says the right thing.  And I could care less about how religious he is.  If you wanna drop to one knee in a stoic formation or do your best Scott Stapp impression, go right ahead.  He surely wouldn’t be the first.  It actually makes perfect sense.  After all, Tim Tebow is living and breathing proof that God does exist, ‘cause it sure as hell ain’t raw, unbridled talent that is winning these games.

I just don’t understand the phenomena around this guy.  He’s playing like shit and, with the exception of last night, the Broncos defense is winning games for him.  Carolina’s rookie quarterback put up numbers this year that would put Tebow’s to shame, yet I haven’t seen “Newtoning” become the biggest craze since planking.

It just makes me wonder what would’ve happened if the roles were reversed.  What if the Steelers would’ve won that game the same way as the Broncos?  That’s easy.  It would’ve been called business as usual for Big Ben and hordes of the Tebow faithful would be bitching about the NFL’s overtime system and how Timmy the Hero never even got a crack at it in the extra quarter.  But instead, I turn on ESPN and see the “experts” trying to formulate a name for that last play and already comparing it to the Immaculate Reception, which I’m sure the Steelers fans just love.

I never thought I’d ever say this, but I will now.

Go Patriots.

The death of 2011 seemed like as good a time as any for me to get back on that hobby horse and really show-off my lack of knowledge to the world.  So let’s take a look back at the top stories of 2011.

Happy News

There really wasn’t much of this throughout the year, so we’ll just get it out the way.  The royal wedding of William & Kate played like a fairy-tale come to life; and subsequently proved that our planet is just one big high school where the kids from rich families get everything they could ever want for no other discernable reason other than it seems to be their birth rite.  Well, at least there was the constant, non-stop, unrelenting playing of Adele’s last album on every single radio and video station to fall back on.  As harsh as that comment may sound, I actually needed “Rolling In The Deep” to attack me from all angles; anything to help me forget that groups like LMFAO and Middle Class Rut are churning out sounds that I’ve been told are actually music.

Sad News    

Remember when your teacher would ask what you wanted to be when you grew up and inevitably you or one your friends would respond “I wanna be an astronaut.” Well, if you’re an American and you’re not Lance Bass, consider that dream as dead as the heterosexual male fan base of Glee.  And if you’ve already moved past that and are just hoping for that pay raise at your shitty job, don’t count on it.  Your boss can still use 2011’s shit-storm economy as an excuse.  How the fuck are we supposed to occupy Wall Street if we can’t even afford to get there?  I guess we truly are the 99%.

True Crime

Some interesting precedents were set in 2011, and quite frankly I’m glad they were.  If some of these big stories hadn’t hit throughout the year, I would’ve been totally in the dark about how to handle certain situations.  For instance, if the trunk of my car stunk of human decomposition, and I spent weeks lying to cops about the whereabouts of my missing daughter, I figured that the dots could be connected and link me to the crime in some way.  Whoa, was I ever wrong.  I should’ve learned my lesson with OJ, but it’s good to have a refresher course every now and then.  And on top of that, I also discovered the best course of action when you see a colleague raping a little boy; just tell your boss and let him handle it.  No need to make a big thing out of it.  So thank you Ms. Anthony and Mr. Sandusky; your respective situations have taught me so much.  I hope you sleep well. 

Death

Once again, death was the biggest winner of the year.  The earthquakes in Japan killed thousands and humanity mourned.  Political figures (Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, Gadhafi) dropped like flies and humanity rejoiced (maybe a little too much).  Steve Jobs shuffled off this mortal coil and a collective “Uh-oh” could be heard throughout the Silicon Valley.  Amy Winehouse died and surely made a few wallets fatter for whoever had her in their “celebrity death pools.”  And strangely enough, probably the easiest celebrity death to make fun of was the one that hit me the hardest.  I suppose though, when some Jackass spends ten years making you laugh, it’s tougher to take.  RIP Ryan Dunn. 

Sorry to get all serious and shit toward the end, but 2011 definitely had some speed bumps.  But I suppose I should look at the bright side:  The Packers won the Super Bowl (and will soon repeat), I have thoroughly enjoyed re-immersing myself into the world of the WWE, and I survived my first full year of marriage.  And 2012 can only get better….unless the Mayans were right.

FROM: Milwaukee, Wisconsin

DATE: 6-12-11

RE:     Championship Drought

Hey Cleveland.  I know it’s been a tough couple of years.  Just wanted to let you know we feel your pain.  I know you haven’t won a major professional sports championship since 1964, but we haven’t won one since 1971, so we’re not far off your mark.  And I know what you’re thinking, we just celebrated a Super Bowl victory this year.  Well you’re right, we do love our Packers here and it was pretty awesome. But keep in mind, Green Bay is a two hour drive from Milwaukee, and the Pack doesn’t even play games in the Brew City anymore.  In fact, geographically we’re closer to the home of one of the worst things in all of sports, the Chicago Bears.  How fucked up is that?

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that, from one consistently losing city to another, you gotta learn to appreciate the little things.  I don’t know how things go in Cleveland, but here in Milwaukee, we pretty much go apeshit if the Bucks or the Brewers even make it to the playoffs.  And god forbid, if one of those teams makes it past the first round, we drunkenly empty out into the streets and exhibit behavior that would make an Irishman on St. Patrick’s day turn away in shame.

It is for this reason that I wanted to remind you, Cleveland, that this is your time to celebrate.  Because your former hometown hero, the great and powerful King Lebron James, just handed the NBA Championship over to a franchise that had never won it before.  So stand up, cheer, and applaud his pain.  After all, this is the man who took your city and turned you all into believers.  He had all of you thinking that your city’s trophy case was finally going to get a long overdue addition.  And then, when he had the chance, what did he do?

He put a knife in your back and a dick in your ass and headed went to the Heat where he promised the city of Miami the birth of a dynasty.

And what’s he doing right now?  I’ll tell you, he’s sitting in a locker room prepping for a press conference where he’ll have to explain how “the greatest basketball team today” couldn’t close the deal against the Dallas Mavericks.  Then, he’ll go home and watch the highlights of the game on SportsCenter over and over again.  And when he finally makes his way to bed tonight, he’ll have nothing to do but ponder how one decision before the beginning of the season has now resulted in not one, but two, cities completely hating him.

Sure, he’s got millions of dollars and is probably getting more poon-tang than you can shake a stick at, but that doesn’t matter.  Tonight is not about that.  Tonight is your night Cleveland.  Enjoy it.

Anyways, imagine my surprise when I picked Lykke Li’s Wounded Rhymes and found that at least one new artist found a detour from the all too familiar sophomore slump.  So if you haven’t already, give “Get Some” a listen and go buy the album.

One of the reasons is to watch my dogs go absolutely apeshit whenever a thoroughbred is given a close-up before the race.  I’ll probably never get tired of that.

The only other incentive for me to view this storied competition is to see the weird-ass names that these owners pick for their horses (“Pants On Fire” is the one that sticks out this year).  It really seems like the monikers these people choose have absolutely nothing do with anything and make little to no sense.  It is, without a doubt, the best thing about horseracing, and it really makes me wish I had the money and resources to put my own steed in the running.  It’s just too bad I lack the motivation and general respect for this “sport,” ‘cuz I’d love to name one of these four-legged combatants.

To prove it, here are my top ten names I’d love to hear the play by play announcer shouting as the pack heads for the finish line:

10.Diversity Jones

9.  Former President Ronald Reagan

8.  Harvey The Roller-Skating Frog

7.  Jared Leto’s Vagina

6.  Tits McGee

5.  Robot Boner

4.  Mannequin 2: On The Move

3. 

2.  John Elway

1.  Farts!Farts!Farts!

That being said, I think it’s pretty fucking hilarious.

So Follow along with the lyrics, and feel free to sing along:

Today, however, is a new day.  And more than anything, I want to know how everybody feels about this; so please leave a comment after you read this, and let me know your take on the whole situation.

To me, the reaction to Bin Laden’s death has been nothing short of mind-boggling.  I immediately knew when I heard the news that folks would be split in their opinions on how everything was handled, but I can’t get over how it has become so universally accepted to be overcome with joy over Osama’s death.  Now don’t get me wrong, the man was a terrible person and a threat to all of us, but I just can’t find it in myself to realistically cheer the killing of another person.  There’s a lot people in this world that I think are doing way more harm than good, but I don’t wish death on any of them.

I don’t blame Obama for making the call he made.  When he took the job he knew he’d face some tough decisions, and this certainly was one of them.  I only hope that he exhausted all efforts to capture Bin Laden alive before choosing the option he did.  Because honestly, I would’ve preferred to see Osama dragged in chains into a courtroom and be forced to hear the terrible stories and look into the eyes of every last person who was left without a parent, child, friend, or loved one because of the actions he orchestrated ten years ago.  Even if the trial would’ve ended in an execution, we would’ve have given Osama due process and shown the world that this country stands for both individual rights and justice.  Not to mention the fact that a Bin Laden with a pulse could’ve provided us with a lot more answers than a Bin Laden who has probably become shark chum by now. 

I’ve never really considered myself an extremely religious person, but I know that a good chunk of this country does.  And to me, It seems like a lot of people have been force fed fear and anger for so long that they tend to latch onto the “eye for an eye” mentality while neglecting to see that damn near every religion tells us to “love the sinner and hate the sin.”  I don’t know, maybe it’s the hippie in me talking, but it seems like people are treating Osama’s death as an act of vengeance to relish as opposed to an act of justice to endure.

In closing, I’d just like to reiterate that it is a good thing to know that Bin Laden will no longer be a threat to our country.  Having said that, if you plan on seeing me at an “Osama’s dead” rally with an American flag chanting “USA,” don’t hold your breath.

So, how do you feel?