Archive for January, 2009

A Strange MLK Day

January 19, 2009

As we all know, or should know, today is Martin Luther King Day.  A day when all of us, whether we have to work or not, pretty much do absolutely nothing to celebrate one of the most important figures of the twentieth century.  But before I stray from my point, let me tell you what is so special about this MLK day in particular.

You see, Martin Luther King Day is rarely observed on the man’s real birthday, which is January 15th.  Instead, we celebrate the holiday on the Monday following the 15th so that bank workers and such can have a three-day weekend.  This year that Monday happens to be today, January 19th.  What some of us might not have realized is that another historical figure was born today.  That’s right, this year we’re celebrating the life and accomplishments of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. on the actual birthday of the stars and bars clad Civil War Confederate Army General Robert E. Lee.  How fucked up is that!?!  I mean what’s next; a gay pride parade on Jerry Falwell’s birthday. (Actually, that would be pretty awesome.  Somebody ought to set that up.)

So whether you’re acknowledging a man who gave his life to the civil rights movement or being a total douche and celebrating an army general who represented beliefs that were completely in contrast to everything America stands for, you must acknowledge another year of one thing:

Happy Birthday Irony.  You still look great.

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It Should Be An Interesting Night

January 13, 2009

It’s important that all of us, at some point in our lives, take a look back to recognize and celebrate our ancestry.  We all have to retreat to the past and visit our heritage in an effort to really embrace what’s important to us.  For some, it’s a trip to the Holy Land.  Others research their ancestry and trace their family name back over dozens of generations.  As for me, I will be reconnecting with my roots this Friday night…at the monster truck rally.

Some may call it middle America, others might say rural, but let’s not beat around the bush here.  I know I’ve got a little white trash in me, and it’s about time I embrace it.  And what better way, than by watching over-sized cars crush regular sized cars.

Look, I’m not a gearhead here.  If my car stops running and the gas gauge is not on “E,” I’m about as baffled as Scott Baio on a red carpet.  But all that aside, I just don’t see how people can not want to see a monster truck extravaganza.  Perhaps it really is the white trash in me talking, but who wouldn’t wanna see an ear pounding truck with “Grave Digger” written on the side destroying decrepit four wheeled machines that look eerily like my first car?  Or better yet, imagine seeing a 50 foot tall metallic dragon devouring a station wagon.  Tell me that doesn’t sound awesome.  It’s gonna be like a Grim Reaper video, only with better music.  Wait.  It is gonna be like a Grim Reaper video.  Well, that should be cool too.

So, yeah, it’s gonna be pretty awesome.  Between the deafening sound of the trucks, the dust in my throat, and the ever-entertaining “mullet-spotting,” I’m sure I’ll be in for a treat.  So if you’re in Milwaukee on Friday and trying to find your lineage, c’mon down to the show.  Even if you’re broke, I’m sure you can find a place.  I hear people only use the seats’ edges at these things anyway.

I Am Smoker, Hear Me Roar

January 6, 2009

Perhaps you seen the story on the front page of MSN’s website, if you haven’t I’ll summarize.  The article warns of the danger of third-hand smoke.  That’s right third-hand smoke.  The chemicals that linger in a smoker’s clothes and furniture are out to get you.  And they’ll kill you and everyone you love if given an ample chance.

Okay, so maybe I embellished a bit.  And in case you’re wondering, yes I do smoke and carry a bit of a bias on this issue.  But if you ask me, it’s all bullshit.  Yes, I understand smoking is bad for you.  Yes, I am aware that second-hand smoke can be dangerous, but somebody’s gotta draw the line somewhere.  Over the past few decades, smoking has been banned on airplanes, in the workplace, and even outdoors in front of certain buildings.  For god’s sake, you can’t even smoke in some bars anymore (which particularly blows my mind.  Someone can walk into a bar and leave with their dinner on their shoes feeling fine, yet a puff of smoke passes their face and all of a sudden they wanna talk about their own well-being.) 

But I digress.

So, back to the talk about the dangers of third-hand smoke.  What I loved the most about this article was the way it provided no real information.  That’s right.  No facts.  Just theories and speculation.  Its biggest selling point, however, is the damage third hand smoke can do to children.  It’s probably true, but I can pretty much guarantee that putting anyone, children included, in a room where people had just smoked is not exactly healthy.  So if you wanna buy this shit go ahead.  While you’re at it, though, you should probably go ahead and stop drinking dirty tap water and breathing that contaminated air outside.  You know, I used to work next to a woman who poured the shitty perfume on so thick that it would make nauseous on an empty stomach.  You know what I did; I ate a granola bar and dealt with it.  And I’m sorry but that’s what people need to start doing, because it’s all the same.  Third-hand smoke, sullied drinking water, and that haggard bitch’s crappy perfume: These are side affects of life.

I could go on forever about this, but instead I’ll put the cap on this with something Page Hamilton of Helmet once wrote to me.  I was fourteen years old when I got to meet the band.  I wanted an autograph but had nothing for them to sign.  I handed Mr. Hamilton the only thing I had, my empty pack of smokes.  Without hesitation, he wrapped up my opinion on this subject, and sadly it hasn’t changed to this day.  The pack simply read: “Warning: Smoking causes coolness. Chicks dig it.

Amen sir.