I Am Smoker, Hear Me Roar

Perhaps you seen the story on the front page of MSN’s website, if you haven’t I’ll summarize.  The article warns of the danger of third-hand smoke.  That’s right third-hand smoke.  The chemicals that linger in a smoker’s clothes and furniture are out to get you.  And they’ll kill you and everyone you love if given an ample chance.

Okay, so maybe I embellished a bit.  And in case you’re wondering, yes I do smoke and carry a bit of a bias on this issue.  But if you ask me, it’s all bullshit.  Yes, I understand smoking is bad for you.  Yes, I am aware that second-hand smoke can be dangerous, but somebody’s gotta draw the line somewhere.  Over the past few decades, smoking has been banned on airplanes, in the workplace, and even outdoors in front of certain buildings.  For god’s sake, you can’t even smoke in some bars anymore (which particularly blows my mind.  Someone can walk into a bar and leave with their dinner on their shoes feeling fine, yet a puff of smoke passes their face and all of a sudden they wanna talk about their own well-being.) 

But I digress.

So, back to the talk about the dangers of third-hand smoke.  What I loved the most about this article was the way it provided no real information.  That’s right.  No facts.  Just theories and speculation.  Its biggest selling point, however, is the damage third hand smoke can do to children.  It’s probably true, but I can pretty much guarantee that putting anyone, children included, in a room where people had just smoked is not exactly healthy.  So if you wanna buy this shit go ahead.  While you’re at it, though, you should probably go ahead and stop drinking dirty tap water and breathing that contaminated air outside.  You know, I used to work next to a woman who poured the shitty perfume on so thick that it would make nauseous on an empty stomach.  You know what I did; I ate a granola bar and dealt with it.  And I’m sorry but that’s what people need to start doing, because it’s all the same.  Third-hand smoke, sullied drinking water, and that haggard bitch’s crappy perfume: These are side affects of life.

I could go on forever about this, but instead I’ll put the cap on this with something Page Hamilton of Helmet once wrote to me.  I was fourteen years old when I got to meet the band.  I wanted an autograph but had nothing for them to sign.  I handed Mr. Hamilton the only thing I had, my empty pack of smokes.  Without hesitation, he wrapped up my opinion on this subject, and sadly it hasn’t changed to this day.  The pack simply read: “Warning: Smoking causes coolness. Chicks dig it.

Amen sir.

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4 Responses to “I Am Smoker, Hear Me Roar”

  1. Karen Says:

    They are just making shit up now. I just read that article and the writer doesn’t even seem to have proof. It makes me want to take up smoking again and blow smoke into children’s faces!

  2. Jackie Says:

    hilarious. i seriously heard two people at work talking about this last night. i could only think of you. it was awesome.

  3. Karen Says:

    Every time you see people smoke around children please think of me.

  4. Naomi Stone Says:

    I was gonna try to post some witty comment, but then I decided to take a cigarette break instead.

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