Archive for April, 2009

A Story That Has To Be Told

April 29, 2009

For at least forty hours every week, I work in a warehouse where the conversation is quite limited in scope.  If the talk isn’t about work, you usually only tend to hear dialogue about sports, cars, or sexual conquests that are probably half-bullshit.  Today, though, a co-worker told a tale that I just couldn’t keep to myself.  And as far as I know, this tale is 100% true.

I must warn you, this is not a nice story.  There are things in it that will not make you happy, and it may even offend you.  Also, although I wasn’t there myself, I’m gonna spin this yarn in the first-person, just for some dramatic effect.  Here we go…

So a couple of weeks ago, I was at my friend Jake’s house.  We weren’t doing anything special; just hanging out watching the Brewers’ game.  When the game was over, we grabbed our beers and went outside to have a cigarette.  While we were out there, Jake’s neighbor, Mark, spotted us from his backyard and told us he was having a little party at his place.  Mark has a huge backyard and told us he was just about to get a bonfire going; he let us know we were more than welcome to stop by.  We had nothing better to do, so we decided to check it out.

We walked next door and soon realized that Mark’s “fire pit” was almost the size of a bedroom.  It was loaded with huge tree branches, some broken pallets, and even a small table.  I have to be honest, I was kinda amazed at the size of it all.  That amazement, however, quickly turned to nervousness as I watched Mark empty a large tank of kerosene onto the pile.  He liberally poured as he simultaneously called his other guests out to witness the lighting.  Knowing how much flammable liquid had just been poured in the vicinity, Jake and I made sure to stand extremely far back.  But Mark didn’t give it a second thought.  He threw an open flame onto the heap, and seemingly in the blink of an eye there was flame that towered at least ten feet above us.  Amazingly no one, not even Mark, was burned.  Jake and I shared a look of nervous relief and went back to our beers.

About a minute or so after the flames had commenced, we began to hear a high-pitched and extremely abrasive sound emanating from the pit.  Jake and a few other curious partygoers slowly approached the fire to investigate.  Just when all of them began to crouch down to get a closer look, three fireballs shot out, sending them all back towards the rest of the party.  After a few seconds passed and everyone regained their bearings, we all realized that these were not fireballs.  These were rabbits on fire!!!

Everyone’s jaws dropped.  And after about 3-5 seconds of watching this, someone finally shouted “What the hell should we do!?”  But it was too late, because before that anonymous guest could complete that sentence, Mark had already started stepping on, and subsequently killing, all of the flaming bunnies.  After squashing the last one, Mark casually walked back into the house, telling us all “I’ll be right back, I just gotta change my shoes.”

For at least one minute, Jake, me, and everyone else (which totaled about a dozen people) remained silent.  It got to the point where I just wanted to get out of there.  I looked over at Jake and nodded, signaling I wanted to leave.  He nodded back and we both turned around, anxious to visit a backyard that wasn’t the site of a recent triple bunny homicide.  Before we left, though, Jake turned back around to face all of Mark’s guests and said in the most calm and “matter of fact” way possible…

“Do you guys realize tomorrow is Easter?”

That, my friends, is the definition of comedic timing.


Just Call Me Uncle James

April 20, 2009

So  yeah, my sister had another kid today.  This time it’s a boy.

Today also happens to be Hitler’s birthday.

I really hope these two things are unrelated.

Why I’m On The Couch

April 14, 2009

Every year about this time, I tend to disappear and “hermitize” to my home even more than usual.  Calls to go to the bar go unnoticed, invites to parties are ignored, and any venture out of the house must be deemed essential before commencing.  Although I’m sure you don’t consider the next eight weeks to be anything special, I do; because tomorrow the NHL Playoffs begin.  (And has a bonus, my hometown AHL team, the Milwaukee Admirals, start their playoff run on Thursday.

Now I know that to most sports’ fans there are more important things going on, the start of the MLB season & the NBA playoffs, but for me the hockey postseason is where it’s at.  The games are just flat-out better.  The tension is clearly higher than the basketball postseason, as you’ll see tons of hockey games going into overtime, and a handful of those games going into double, triple, or sometimes even quadruple overtime.  And the action is obviously superior to that of baseball.  I mean let’s face it, do you wanna see Boston’s left winger take a full-blown body check into the boards, or would you rather watch the Orioles designated hitter spitting out sunflower seeds from the bench?  I rest my case.

I’m gonna try not to go off on too much of a tangent here, but I’ll watch Sportscenter or listen to sports talk radio every now and then, and they seem to cover hockey as if it was women’s high school lacrosse.  I know I carry a bit of a bias, but I do watch football, baseball, and basketball; so I do understand that hockey doesn’t have the popularity that those sports have, but if the press is just looking for really good fucking games, they should be covering the shit out of the NHL Playoffs.  But they don’t.  They just treat hockey like a fresh sore on their cocks; they know it’s there, but ignore it, and they refuse to talk out about it unless something really weird happens.

So to hell with the sports media and their diseased genitalia.  Watch hockey.