A Story That Has To Be Told

For at least forty hours every week, I work in a warehouse where the conversation is quite limited in scope.  If the talk isn’t about work, you usually only tend to hear dialogue about sports, cars, or sexual conquests that are probably half-bullshit.  Today, though, a co-worker told a tale that I just couldn’t keep to myself.  And as far as I know, this tale is 100% true.

I must warn you, this is not a nice story.  There are things in it that will not make you happy, and it may even offend you.  Also, although I wasn’t there myself, I’m gonna spin this yarn in the first-person, just for some dramatic effect.  Here we go…

So a couple of weeks ago, I was at my friend Jake’s house.  We weren’t doing anything special; just hanging out watching the Brewers’ game.  When the game was over, we grabbed our beers and went outside to have a cigarette.  While we were out there, Jake’s neighbor, Mark, spotted us from his backyard and told us he was having a little party at his place.  Mark has a huge backyard and told us he was just about to get a bonfire going; he let us know we were more than welcome to stop by.  We had nothing better to do, so we decided to check it out.

We walked next door and soon realized that Mark’s “fire pit” was almost the size of a bedroom.  It was loaded with huge tree branches, some broken pallets, and even a small table.  I have to be honest, I was kinda amazed at the size of it all.  That amazement, however, quickly turned to nervousness as I watched Mark empty a large tank of kerosene onto the pile.  He liberally poured as he simultaneously called his other guests out to witness the lighting.  Knowing how much flammable liquid had just been poured in the vicinity, Jake and I made sure to stand extremely far back.  But Mark didn’t give it a second thought.  He threw an open flame onto the heap, and seemingly in the blink of an eye there was flame that towered at least ten feet above us.  Amazingly no one, not even Mark, was burned.  Jake and I shared a look of nervous relief and went back to our beers.

About a minute or so after the flames had commenced, we began to hear a high-pitched and extremely abrasive sound emanating from the pit.  Jake and a few other curious partygoers slowly approached the fire to investigate.  Just when all of them began to crouch down to get a closer look, three fireballs shot out, sending them all back towards the rest of the party.  After a few seconds passed and everyone regained their bearings, we all realized that these were not fireballs.  These were rabbits on fire!!!

Everyone’s jaws dropped.  And after about 3-5 seconds of watching this, someone finally shouted “What the hell should we do!?”  But it was too late, because before that anonymous guest could complete that sentence, Mark had already started stepping on, and subsequently killing, all of the flaming bunnies.  After squashing the last one, Mark casually walked back into the house, telling us all “I’ll be right back, I just gotta change my shoes.”

For at least one minute, Jake, me, and everyone else (which totaled about a dozen people) remained silent.  It got to the point where I just wanted to get out of there.  I looked over at Jake and nodded, signaling I wanted to leave.  He nodded back and we both turned around, anxious to visit a backyard that wasn’t the site of a recent triple bunny homicide.  Before we left, though, Jake turned back around to face all of Mark’s guests and said in the most calm and “matter of fact” way possible…

“Do you guys realize tomorrow is Easter?”

That, my friends, is the definition of comedic timing.

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One Response to “A Story That Has To Be Told”

  1. chris Says:

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
    I cant believe how awesome this was.

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