Why There Are Tongs On Top Of My Toliet

Wow. It’s been a while since I updated this site.  So much has happened.  What should I write about?  Should I throw in my two cents on the whole Leno/Conan situation?  Should I try to eek out a sliver of comedy regarding the earthquake in Haiti?  Or perhaps I should discuss the failure of Brett Favre and how it made every Wisconsin resident’s Sunday just a little better.  Nope. All of that is in the past and already been blogged about to a disgusting amount.  Instead, I would like to tell you a story.  And yes, it will be the third story in less than a year with a bathroom as the setting.

The past week or so has been quite trying.  I’m getting ready to move in March and all of my money is currently tied up in bills and security deposits (I literally have less than $80 to my name).  As a result, last weekend found me staying at home, playing video games, and watching TV (anything to keep me from spending).

Saturday was definitely the laziest day of them all.  My fiancée was working a double-shift, leaving me to myself for the entire day and night.  Highlights from the day include:

  1. 3:00 – When I almost did laundry
  2. 6:00 – When I awoke from a nap and was energized enough to sit up while I watched TV
  3. 8:00 – When I pondered committing suicide out of boredom, until realizing I had beer
  4. 8:30 – When I expelled the aforementioned beer, via urination (which is where our story begins)

I walked into the bathroom, lifted the seat, and peed out my first High Life.  While in the act, I noticed my dog, Jaws, come into the bathroom.  Jaws has a habit, which he has been doing since we got him, of sticking his head in the toilet in an effort to try to get as close to my pee stream as possible.  He only seems interested in the smell.  He takes a few whiffs and typically leaves the room before I’m done, so I never really cared that he did it.  I can say with 100% honesty:  I have never peed on my dog (which is more than he can say about me).

Anyways, as I was going to bathroom Jaws walked in as per usual and began to go in for his olfactory delights; but something was different.  This time he was also carrying one of his chew toys.  Now, a normal dog would drop their toy on the ground.  My dog, he delicately placed it on the rim of the toilet and then went in for his sniffs.  I looked at the toy, still peeing mind you, as it teetered on the edge.  Jaws backed away and looked up at me with one of the dumbest expressions I’ve ever seen him give me.  Then, in one slow but steady motion, he nudged his toy with his nose until it found its way to the bottom of the toilet.  I irritably watched him trot out of the room as I continued to pee on one of his favorite rubber toys.

Despite the advice of my roommate to either flush the toy out or fish it out by hand.  I decided to grab a pair of tongs to retrieve Jaws’s urine-soaked plaything.  Afterwards, both items that came in contact with the toilet bowl spent the night in a sink filled with scalding hot water.

After going through this whole ordeal I began to realize something; despite the fact that I didn’t want to write about it, a pissed-on dog toy does share a lot in common with the subjects of all the recent news happenings.  As far as Haiti goes, the tongs of the world will hopefully rescue the country out of the toilet, clean it up, and get it back to where it belongs.  In regards to Jay Leno and Brett Favre, perhaps we’re better off just flushing ‘em down.


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