Archive for May, 2010

Knowledge Is Power. Now Kill The Sperminator.

May 13, 2010

When I was in the sixth grade, I wanted two things:

  1. I wanted to know everything about sex.
  2. I wanted to be the first in my class to beat “Oregon Trail”

Sadly, I was constantly struck with dysentery after my oxen died, leaving me a broken little kid who has since grown up and has still never seen the end of that game.

At the time, though, I didn’t care.  Because the sixth grade meant I finally got my first taste of a sex ed class.  I was, without a doubt, ready to learn.  I wasn’t really seeking knowledge to develop a mature outlook on sex.  I knew I would still chuckle or smirk when I heard words like “vagina” or “nocturnal emission,” but I honestly did want to learn.  If for nothing else, the class would introduce to me a whole new slew of vocabulary words that I could use to insult my fellow classmates.  And quite frankly, when I called someone a pap smear, I wanted to know exactly what that meant.

Unfortunately, I went to a Catholic grade school.  This meant that my sex ed “class” took place in just one afternoon and involved the boys and girls being taken to separate rooms.  I don’t know what they told the ladies, but here’s what we got.

  • A diagram of the female reproductive system that resembled a cow head
  • A lecture containing  an “it’s ok to get boners, just don’t touch it” theme
  • A sense in the class that asking any question would result in both a very awkward moment with the teacher and constant berating from everyone else
  • No mention of any form of birth control or protection from STDs (although we were given detailed descriptions of what could happen if we contracted one)
  • A video depicting one of the most disgusting childbirths ever

So yeah, I had it kind of rough.  Luckily, though, a British website has realized that kids of that age still wanna know about sex and have a penchant for computer games.  As a result they have created “Adventures In Sex City.”  I’m sure giggly grade school kids will visit the site to see “The Sperminator” and his phallic appendages, (he literally does have cocks for arms) but they also might end up learning a thing or two.

The basic premise of the game is that you, a member of the “Sex Squad,” are a superhero dedicated to keeping the citizens of Sex City safe from sexually transmitted diseases.  It is your job to rid supervillain The Sperminator of his own infections before he spreads them throughout the metropolis.  You drain his power by answering questions about sex, and if successful you will rid him of disease so that the fair citizens of Sex City can learn you’re your knowledge and fuck without fear.

So click here and play the game.  I’m not kidding, the guy has huge cocks for arms.


Tasers In The Outfield

May 4, 2010

Why is it that when two crazed White Sox fans run on the field and attack a coach, the cops let the assailants get a few hits, and even stabs, in?  Yet when a Phillies’ fan decides to jump the fence and frolic through the outfield, he catches the wrath of the taser.

Now don’t get me wrong.  This kid totally deserved to get tackled and eat a face-full of dirt, but the taser seems a little excessive.  The guy obviously meant no harm and wasn’t going anywhere (not to mention the fact that there were four people chasing him).

The kids an idiot, no doubt.  But maybe if that cop’s waistline was a little smaller he’d be able to take out those trespassers the old-fashioned way.

I gotta say though, this picture is pretty hilarious.

The Lamest Joke Ever

May 4, 2010

Today is Star Wars Day.

“May The Fourth” Be With You.