Archive for January, 2011

The Most Powerful Move In All Of Sports

January 10, 2011

Just in case you didn’t know, the Green Bay Packers went into Philadelphia yesterday and sent thousands of asshole Eagles’ fans home with nothing to do but wait for the Phillies season to start.  That’s right, the Pack took all of those 4th & 26 nightmares out of our minds and pulled out a 21-16 victory over dog-beater Michael Vick & Co.  This Saturday, Green Bay will travel to Atlanta and pull out a convincing victory over the Falcons.  And then the week after that, the Packers will beat the Bears in dramatic fashion and punch their ticket to the Super Bowl while simultaneously making Lovie Smith cry like a little bitch.

How do I know this, you ask?  I’ve never been the type to say that the Packers have any game in the bag.  I’m wary of just about every team they play throughout every season, even the Lions.  I mean let’s face it, yesterday was probably the first time this season the green & gold showed any sign of a running game.  And it’s no secret that our special teams (specifically kick returning) could use some major work.  So why am I so confident?  Why do I know that the Packers will be suiting up on February 6th.  The answer, my friends, can be found in two words: Ghost Belt.

For those of you unfamiliar, ”Ghost Belting” occurs when an individual pantomimes a championship belt around their waste in an effort to confirm greatness to constituents and show superiority to opponents.  In recent months, the ghost belt has frequently been utilized by Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

To be honest, I’m quite surprised that other NFL players have not added the ghost belt to their arsenal, as its power is unfathomable.  Professional wrestlers have been attempting to harness the force of the ghost belt for years, some more successful than others.  It’s about time that the move has worked its way through the ranks and into the mainstream limelight.  The move is so powerful, in fact, that pictures or videos of the act are almost impossible to find online.  My guess is that countless amounts of computers have already exploded and become casualties when naïve people have made attempts to upload the almighty ghost belt.  The power of the move is just too much for the Internet to take.

So my advice to the rest of the NFC: close up shop and focus on next season (if there is one).  The ghost belt has decided to settle its aura in Titletown for the winter, so get the fuck out of our way.

Look.Listen.Read: Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

January 5, 2011

When I was about sixteen years old, most Friday nights found my friends and I heading to the Times Cinema for a random midnight movie.  The event, called the “Friday Night Freakshow,” typically ran cult classics to a rather rambunctious (i.e. drunk) crowd.  Typically I would show up drunk, laugh at the profane commentary howled out by my fellow moviegoers, and fall asleep.  On one occasion, though, I couldn’t keep my eyes off the screen.

The movie that particular evening was of course Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!.  At the time, the only thing I knew about the film was that it was directed by Russ Meyer.  And the only thing I knew about Russ Meyer was that his movies were full of women with huge boobs.  At 16 years old, that’s all it took.  I was sold.

Since it’s 1965 release, Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! has become a classic.  It has been spoofed on The Simpsons, lines of dialogue from the film can be heard in White Zombie’s Thunderkiss ’65, and rumors that Quentin Tarantino will be directing a remake have been circulating for years.  Like it or not, Faster, Pussycat! is here to stay.

The film follows three go-go dancers (AKA six large breasts) with a penchant for racing their cars in the desert.  After meeting a young couple, the leading lady, Varla, murders the boyfriend and kidnaps the girlfriend to prevent her from going to the police.  Eventually, the group ends up on a decrepit ranch where an old man lives with his two sons.  After learning that the old man has a small fortune somewhere on the ranch, the women then fill the rest of this movie with nothing but sexually-charged dialogue, sexually-charged violence, and sexually-charged sex (weirdly enough, though, this is the only Russ Meyer film I’ve ever seen that has no nudity).

Though many consider Faster, Pussycat to be Russ Meyer’s opus, others tend to criticize the director for releasing what could be considered an exploitation film.  What they don’t realize is that Meyer is one of few male filmmakers to cast women in the lead roles (and they have huge boobs).  And in most cases, the women in his movies are portrayed as stronger and more confident then the men (and they have ginormous ta-tas).  And even though Faster, Pussycat’s leading ladies are essentially playing the villains, Meyer was able to give the characters so much depth that you’re still able to identify with them (as they bend over coyly and proudly expose their colossal cannons).

Okay, maybe this is an exploitation movie.  But whether I’m sixteen, twenty-eight, or eighty-eight; I’ll always love boobs.

Why Is This Guy Homeless?

January 4, 2011