My Cookbook: Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Earlier today, I sat in front of the computer with the intention to update this site.  After wasting about 30 minutes staring at a blank Microsoft Word screen, I gave up and watched TV.  After “Cash Cab” and halfway through “The Simpsons,” I came to a realization.  I’ve always tended to follow the old “write what you know” adage and keep my posts to subjects I could explain in a quasi-intelligent way.  Music, TV, Movies, Poop; these are the things I know.

Then I began thinking: What is the one thing I have no business writing? 

And if you know me the answer is quite obvious. A cookbook.

Yes it’s true, I have no knowledge of cuisine, a complete lack of cooking skill, and the pickiest eating habits known to man.  But, among my friends and family, my dining tendencies are considered common knowledge, as almost anyone can hold up one hand and count their own recollection of the highest rated “James Foods.”

So now I give you what I hope is the first in many installments of “My Cookbook.”

Today’s dish is…


What you need:

  • A butter knife
  • A pan
  • A plate
  • A spatula
  • A feeling of hunger that requires more then a snack, but less than a meal
  • An urge to be proactive and actually use the stove (This is usually due to an empty wallet that cannot afford Gold Rush Chicken.)
  • 4 pieces of bread
  • 2 slices of American Cheese
  • 1 tub of spreadable butter
  • An unfounded sense of superiority that you are better than people who eat at nice places

What to do:

  1. Begin watching a TV show recorded on your DVR.  Do not attempt to begin cooking until at least the first commercial break.  Relaxation is key: a certain level of focus and clarity must be maintained when attempting this meal.
  2. Once you are ready, place your pan on the stove and turn it on, but not all the way to “high.”  You gotta let that shit slow cook.
  3. Lightly spread butter on all 4 pieces of bread.  Then, buttered sides out, place one slice of cheese between the slices of bread and put the sandwich into the pan.
  4. In an obsessive compulsive like manner, frantically check the slice of the bread on the pan every 30-45 seconds with the spatula.  This will result in several warped and unequally toasted areas on the bread.  Don’t worry, this happens every time.
  5. Step away from the stove and start watching TV.  Be sure to become very enthralled by whatever is happening on your program of choice.  This will give the bread ample time to burn to a crisp and give it that perfect “James cooked this” touch.
  6. Sprint back to the kitchen, bash your elbow into the counter, and quickly flip the sandwich before giving yourself a chance to writhe in pain.
  7. Diligently watch the second piece in the pan, giving absolutely no chance to burn.
  8. Once the second piece has achieved the desired toasting, use the spatula to remove your grilled cheese sandwich and place it on the plate.
  9. Return to your living room and devour your half-burnt cuisine as quickly as possible. 

10. Stare somberly at your empty plate and wish that you enjoyed real food.

(Repeat steps 1-10 for the second sandwich)


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2 Responses to “My Cookbook: Grilled Cheese Sandwiches”

  1. Mom Says:

    It’s very interesting how much time you take to make them considering, you used to come home at lunch and expect the sandwiches to be done when you walked in the door. Maybe for your next challenge you should try grilled ham and cheese.
    When I come to visit I don’t think I want grilled cheese sandwiches on the menu.
    Luv Ya

    • James Dolata Says:

      First of all, ham is not a “James Food.” Secondly, you’re mom. You’re supposed to enjoy making me grilled cheese sandwiches.

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