My Cookbook: Kool-Aid

Once again, let’s visit both my extreme lack of culinary knowledge and my obsessive compulsive tendencies with another exciting installment of “My Cookbook.”  This entry’s complex dish: a batch of Kool-Aid.

Kool-Aid

What You Need:

  • A one gallon pitcher
  • A hatred for drinking plain water
  • One glass
  • A large wooden spoon
  • One measuring cup
  • Sugar
  • Two “Tropical Punch” Kool-Aid packets
  • Cold water
  • A wife who is a far superior chef but insists that the Kool-Aid you make is better

What To Do:

  • Carefully rip open your packets and pour them into your pitcher.  Don’t even consider anything besides “Tropical Punch.”  (Until “Purplesaurus Rex” is un-discontinued, I refuse to recognize any other flavor.)  Be sure to shake each packet to an obscene degree, assuring that none of that powder goes to waste.
  • Fill your measuring cup with two cups of sugar and pour them into the pitcher
  • Fill your measuring cup again with just another teaspoon or two of sugar for no apparent reason other than the fact that you need to appease your neurotic brain that has convinced you that you poured a little less than two cups of sugar into the pitcher and the only way to make the world right again is to correct this monumental error.
  • Take your cold water and fill your pitcher to the one gallon line.  (Do NOT fill your pitcher directly from the tap as this will spoil the “instant gratification” effect achieved upon completion.
  • Take your wooden spoon and stir the Kool-Aid in a clockwise motion, making 50 revolutions.  Then stir in a counter-clockwise motion, also making 50 revolutions.  Then, switch hands and stir clockwise until you feel a significant amount of pain in your wrist.  Finally, switch hands one more time and stir counter-clockwise again until you feel wrist pain.  (I am not kidding.  I actually do this.)
  • Scoop out a spoonful and give the batch a taste test.
  • If the Kool-Aid has achieved desired taste (which of course it has), pour yourself a glass and quickly chug it before you even get back to your living room.
  • Put the pitcher into the fridge and don’t have another glass for at least 24 hours; because the sooner that pitcher is empty, the sooner you have to make more.  (And nothing is worse than having your designated “Kool-Aid Pitcher” void of any Kool-Aid.)

Wow.  I guess there really is something wrong with me.

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4 Responses to “My Cookbook: Kool-Aid”

  1. Nickie Says:

    I’m so glad that you posted this. I almost forgot how that works.. Thanks

  2. nickierouleau Says:

    I would definitely agree with that. If I come to Wrestlemania there better be some involved.

  3. Shawn Larkin Says:

    Nicely done again my friend.

    But if I may, allow me to make alterations to this recipe to make it more appealing to a less subtle, more urban (read; ghetto) pallet.

    Now they only step(s) that are necessary to change apply to the amount of sugar added and the fact that kool aid brand kool aid may not be available. More than likely your drink packets will read Flavor Aid or Mix Aid.

    First discard any this 1; 1 cup of sugar to 1 pack of “Aid” notion. As the odds of having a measuring cup are greatly reduced in this scenario. But no worries. We are not diabetic (yet).

    Here is what u do. Follow all steps of recipe up to adding packets of kool aid to pitcher. At this point we are going to fill said picture with water directly from tap to about an inch and a half below rim. As to not interfere with the instant gratification, it is important to remember to have had the cold tap water running wide open from the start of this entire endeavour. Turn off water now and be grateful we live on a lake so water is practically free if not actually free.

    Now, to add the “taste good”. Grab your 5ive lb bag of sugar, and if not yet opened, do so. When done properly there will be sugar spread unevenly all over your countertops. Dump sugar into pitcher very very liberally. Don’t be afraid to overdo it, its difficult to overdo. But not impossible. To figure out when u have achieved the proper result, you will need to stir with anything long enough to reach the bottom of the pitcher while occasionally lifting pitcher to your mouth to taste. ( I don’t want to hear any complaining from you germaphobes, if you are in my home sharing a blunt that I licked to seal, you should not have any qualm with sharing my picture of drink.)

    Now, you will know when you have achieved the proper result when you sip your pitcher of drink and have to smack your lips repeatedly to fully appreciate. If still unsure, pour a cup. If the cup you have chosen is see thru, you should be able to practically see the sugar molecules in the mix; I.e. the mixture will be “cloudy”. If not a see thru glass and you can not decide, take glass and give to someone else to try. If they take a sip and both smack lips while giving you a look that says, Does this come with a syringe of insulin?!

    Congratulations!

    If you followed this recipe, you have made a pitcher of not kool aid. No no… this is lovingly called Hood Aid. This could go either way now so please be warned. Hood Aid is not for everyone. It will either sit in the fridge until you yourself finish the whole pitcher ( keep in mind, if you let it sit too long the sugar will settle at the bottom and require more stirring). Or, it’ll be discovered by your spouse or your kids and it wont last an hour.

    So if you would like to make a pitcher of drink like they make down on cherry and Booth. Enjoy!

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