The Best Thing About The Kentucky Derby

To me, there never really was much motivation to watch the horsies race at Churchill Downs.  I’m really not much of gambler, and spending two hours watching the wealthy file their worry-free selves to the racetrack just to witness two minutes of action involving horses and jockeys I’ve never heard of just doesn’t have much of an appeal to me.  In fact, there are only two reasons I would even think to tune in to the race this weekend. 

One of the reasons is to watch my dogs go absolutely apeshit whenever a thoroughbred is given a close-up before the race.  I’ll probably never get tired of that.

The only other incentive for me to view this storied competition is to see the weird-ass names that these owners pick for their horses (“Pants On Fire” is the one that sticks out this year).  It really seems like the monikers these people choose have absolutely nothing do with anything and make little to no sense.  It is, without a doubt, the best thing about horseracing, and it really makes me wish I had the money and resources to put my own steed in the running.  It’s just too bad I lack the motivation and general respect for this “sport,” ‘cuz I’d love to name one of these four-legged combatants.

To prove it, here are my top ten names I’d love to hear the play by play announcer shouting as the pack heads for the finish line:

10.Diversity Jones

9.  Former President Ronald Reagan

8.  Harvey The Roller-Skating Frog

7.  Jared Leto’s Vagina

6.  Tits McGee

5.  Robot Boner

4.  Mannequin 2: On The Move


2.  John Elway

1.  Farts!Farts!Farts!


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2 Responses to “The Best Thing About The Kentucky Derby”

  1. Bil Says:

    What about “Rick Allen’s Left Arm?”

  2. Cassie Says:

    # 1 = Yes!

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