Archive for June, 2011

A Memo To The City Of Cleveland

June 12, 2011

TO:     Cleveland, Ohio

FROM: Milwaukee, Wisconsin

DATE: 6-12-11

RE:     Championship Drought

Hey Cleveland.  I know it’s been a tough couple of years.  Just wanted to let you know we feel your pain.  I know you haven’t won a major professional sports championship since 1964, but we haven’t won one since 1971, so we’re not far off your mark.  And I know what you’re thinking, we just celebrated a Super Bowl victory this year.  Well you’re right, we do love our Packers here and it was pretty awesome. But keep in mind, Green Bay is a two hour drive from Milwaukee, and the Pack doesn’t even play games in the Brew City anymore.  In fact, geographically we’re closer to the home of one of the worst things in all of sports, the Chicago Bears.  How fucked up is that?

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that, from one consistently losing city to another, you gotta learn to appreciate the little things.  I don’t know how things go in Cleveland, but here in Milwaukee, we pretty much go apeshit if the Bucks or the Brewers even make it to the playoffs.  And god forbid, if one of those teams makes it past the first round, we drunkenly empty out into the streets and exhibit behavior that would make an Irishman on St. Patrick’s day turn away in shame.

It is for this reason that I wanted to remind you, Cleveland, that this is your time to celebrate.  Because your former hometown hero, the great and powerful King Lebron James, just handed the NBA Championship over to a franchise that had never won it before.  So stand up, cheer, and applaud his pain.  After all, this is the man who took your city and turned you all into believers.  He had all of you thinking that your city’s trophy case was finally going to get a long overdue addition.  And then, when he had the chance, what did he do?

He put a knife in your back and a dick in your ass and headed went to the Heat where he promised the city of Miami the birth of a dynasty.

And what’s he doing right now?  I’ll tell you, he’s sitting in a locker room prepping for a press conference where he’ll have to explain how “the greatest basketball team today” couldn’t close the deal against the Dallas Mavericks.  Then, he’ll go home and watch the highlights of the game on SportsCenter over and over again.  And when he finally makes his way to bed tonight, he’ll have nothing to do but ponder how one decision before the beginning of the season has now resulted in not one, but two, cities completely hating him.

Sure, he’s got millions of dollars and is probably getting more poon-tang than you can shake a stick at, but that doesn’t matter.  Tonight is not about that.  Tonight is your night Cleveland.  Enjoy it.