Archive for January, 2013

I Love/Hate Guns

January 30, 2013

It would appear that as of late, talks of gun control are all the rage. Both sides of the argument have been bombarding all of us with their opinions of how arming and disarming Americans will destroy the fabric of this country.

As for me, I was raised around guns. My dad was a hunter who had quite the collection of rifles and handguns, and I was around them for as far back as I can remember. I was taught at a very young age how to handle, fear, and respect firearms. If there was one thing I learned throughout my childhood, it was not to fuck around in the presence of a gun.

As I grew up, I didn’t really become as much of an enthusiast as my dad was. I do currently own two guns, but both were inherited and only see action every year or so when I head to the range. I’m not a hunter and have no interest in buying a new firearm any time soon. In fact, my .357 and .22 pistol holds more sentimental value to me than anything else.

Because of my background and current position on the topic, I feel I have a pretty good handle on both sides of this debate. So first of all, everyone with any strong opinion needs to take a second and think about their opposition:

To the pro-gun advocates: I know it is your constitutional right to own a gun, but don’t forget the same people who gave you that right thought women shouldn’t vote and owning slaves was just dandy. This country, the people, and our firearms have all evolved in the last 200+ years. And while I fully support the right for you to bear arms, it is the responsibility of gun-owners to evolve as well. And please don’t support the NRA, those fuckers are crazy.

To the gun control advocates: It is important that you remember that the “extremist gun-toting Ted Nugent-esque fucktards” represent a very small slice of the population. Most gun-owners exhibit responsibility and currently operate within the regulations of current gun control laws. In fact, was it not for the NRA having politicians in their back-pocket, the ATF and other government agencies would be able to properly enforce laws and make sure that even less guns end up in the hands of the wrong people.

As for conceal and carry laws here in Wisconsin, I just don’t understand how people can even argue about it. How can it be a good idea to let people carry concealed weapons in a state that could quite possibly out-drink Ireland? Sure, every person wanting to carry a gun has to attend a class and be certified, but what does that solve? This morning some guy drove in front of me with his blinker on for two miles and then swiftly cut me off and almost sent me into a tree. And though the last thing I would call him is a responsible driver, I’m willing to bet he was certified to operate an automobile.

I will say this though, those models they get for the conceal/carry flyers sure do have magnificently giant boobs.



Thanks For The Advice Lebron

January 22, 2013

Last night, I crawled into a cozy bed and turned the television on. As I was just about to fall asleep and drift into a dream-world where aspiring singers did not have their vocal credentials judged by Nicki Minaj, I was abruptly woken by a commercial.

This commercial.

Now I have nothing bad to say about the message here. Kids should stay in school. The messenger however, is in my opinion, quite questionable.

How could the people who put this campaign together decide that Lebron James was the man for the job when it comes to telling this country’s youth to keep themselves in the classroom? Let’s not forget, this is the same Lebron James who once petitioned the NBA to change its eligibility requirements and allow him to enter the league before graduating high school.

And when King James ‘s petition was denied, what did he do after the 12th grade? Did he take his insane talent and use it to get himself a free ride to just about any college in the country? Nope. He jumped into the NBA before his diploma even had the chance to collect dust.

Do I blame Lebron? Hell no. I probably would’ve done the same thing. After all, you gotta strike while the iron’s hot. He took what the basketball gods gave him and cashed in. And who knows, maybe one day when his playing days are over, he’ll go back to school and get a degree. But for now, he’s got about as much business telling kids to stay in school as politicians have telling the American people to compromise.

Words On A Blog

January 8, 2013

In case you hadn’t heard, David Ellis (most famously known for directing Snakes On A Plane) died yesterday at the age of 60.

I’m sure there are about a million other articles and bloggers out there breaking this story and throwing in their little quips about what has turned out to be Ellis’s opus. And of course, they’re also finding a way to work in that infamous “I’m tired of these motherfucking snakes…” quote somewhere into the piece. And why not? I mean let’s face it; David Ellis will never be mentioned in the same breath as people like Steven Spielberg or Martin Scorcese. News of his death is something that you mention in passing to whomever you see today, but you’ll surely forget about by the time you have tomorrow’s morning coffee.

But not for me. Because as weird as it may seem, Snakes On A Plane will always hold a special place in my memory.

Back in the late spring/early summer of 2006, I couldn’t help but tell just about everyone I saw how awesome I thought this movie was going to be. The buzz was all over the internet and my roommates and I made plans to see it when it was released that August. It served as the ultimate distraction for what was the toughest summer of my life.

On July 3rd, 2006 both of my parents were in a pretty severe motorcycle accident. My mom came out of it with some broken bones and road rash. My dad was not as lucky. He laid in a coma for almost two months before eventually passing away. As it happened, he died the day before the evening my roommates and I had set aside to see Snakes On A Plane. I knew they would’ve understood if I didn’t want to go. But I figured the movie would be a welcome interruption from everything else going on.

So what began as an evening of three roommates going to see a campy movie quickly turned into about 20-25 of my friends and family barreling into a multiplex aching for something to break the somber mood. And Snakes On A Plane delivered just that.

The movie was absolutely ridiculous. It was stupid. It was hilarious. It was over the top. And it was exactly what all of us needed. A few friends even snuck in giant rubber snakes to throw on unsuspecting patrons in the theater.

What makes Snakes On A Plane so great is that it doesn’t make you think. It doesn’t make you question anything about your own life. It has no life-affirming moral. It’s there to entertain you; nothing more, nothing less. And to this day, seeing that movie is the most fun I’ve ever had in a theater.

So thank you David Ellis. You may only go down in history as the director of Snakes On A Plane, but I think that’s pretty awesome.