Why Can’t We Be Friends?

The good Lord has blessed me.

He/she/it has put me in a position of great fortune. I’ve been lucky enough find an awesome woman willing to marry me and be the focal point of my life. I have two dogs that leave minimal amounts of shit and piss around my apartment. I’ve acquired a handful of friends willing to tolerate the compulsive urge I have to spew useless knowledge regarding music, movies, and sports. I have a job (shitty as it may be) that pays the bills with a little left over to have fun every now and again. And to top it off, I live in Milwaukee, where we take our drinking seriously. (I’m three beers in as I type this)

And yet…..something’s missing.

Just like every other red-blooded American with a pulse, I want more. I’m not sure if contentment is something that we as humans should strive for, but I’m fairly sure it’s an emotion that will escape me as long as there is air in my lungs. Anytime I reach a destination in one facet of life, I immediately look to the next hurdle to improve my own situation. I want to buy a house. I want to be self-employed. I want the world to realize that Cheap Seats (Without Ron Parker) was one of the most underrated shows in television history. But right now, at this very moment (four beers in), none of that shit matters. Because right now, my goal is to be friends with this guy…


I’m sure many of you are confused right now. If you happen to be an avid wrestling fan, however, you probably know exactly who this guy is. I honestly didn’t notice this guy until the day after Wrestlemania in 2012 (which is why I’ve dubbed him “The Brock Lesnar Guy”), but ever since then I’ve seen him sitting in the front row of countless televised WWE & TNA events. If you happen to know me and are aware of my obsession with professional wrestling combined with my travel habits, you are also quite aware of just how envious I am of this dude’s life.

I have no idea how “The Brock Lesnar Guy” is able maintain this lifestyle, but here are some theories.

1. He is a wrestling journalist.

2. He is an international jewel thief, hiding in plain view from the Feds in the front row of Monday Night Raw.

3. He is scouting the competition for Bruno Sammartino, who is prepping to annihilate everyone.

4. Underneath his chair, he has the Undertaker’s urn, and sits in a constant state of readiness to summon the Deadman if necessary.

5. He is the best professional wrestler in the history of mankind, merely sizing up his competition and waiting for the most opportunistic moment to take his place as undisputed champion.

(Five beers in)

No matter what the reason, I need to meet this guy.

I can just picture it now: “The Brock Lesnar Guy” and I going to an episode of Raw, nonchalantly taking the best seats in the house, and ruthlessly insulting every wrestler and manager we see for no reason other than they can actually hear us. And then after a few months and a couple dozen shows, he’ll make me feel like the belle of the ball when he ever so subtly suggests I be his guest to the upcoming Wrestlemania. It will be the most glorious and “kinda gay but not really gay” moment of my life; kinda like when two wrestlers hug in the middle of the ring and seem to be oblivious to the fact that they are both covered in sweat, baby oil, and are essentially only wearing underpants.

So now this is where I need help from you, my valued reader, to assist me in my quest of finding and befriending the ever elusive “Brock Lesnar Guy.” I have no idea how to locate him, so I have begrudgingly created a facebook page in an effort to find my new friend (fingers crossed!). Please go to the site here and get some buzz going. I’m not sure if I deserve this, but a false sense of entitlement didn’t stop the Kardashians. Why should I be any different?

(Six beers in)


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3 Responses to “Why Can’t We Be Friends?”

  1. wwe Says:

    great blog I am a huge WWE fan from Holland

  2. mukil krishna deepu Says:

    here comes the pain

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