Posts Tagged ‘Packers’

One More Day

September 4, 2013

Since professional football has not yet descended into a game of 2-hand touch, there is still (for at least one more year) a reason to be excited for the 2013 NFL season, which begins tomorrow.

My fantasy lineup is set (tentavively):
QB-Matt Ryan
WR-A.J. Green
WR-Dwayne Bowe
RB-Arian Foster
RB-Maurice Jones-Drew
TE-Tony Gonzalez
FLEX-DeAngelo Williams
K-Justin Tucker

And to top it off, I’ve moved up over 5,000 places on the waiting list for Packers’ season tickets (though this is probably due to the fact that almost 7,000 seats were added this year). Now, I have a mere 67,138 people ahead of me.

So in the meantime, while I wait to see which one comes first (Packers tickets or death), you’ll find me in front of the TV on Sundays afternoons for the rest of year (and Sunday nights, and Monday nights, and the occasional Thursday night).


The Most Powerful Move In All Of Sports

January 10, 2011

Just in case you didn’t know, the Green Bay Packers went into Philadelphia yesterday and sent thousands of asshole Eagles’ fans home with nothing to do but wait for the Phillies season to start.  That’s right, the Pack took all of those 4th & 26 nightmares out of our minds and pulled out a 21-16 victory over dog-beater Michael Vick & Co.  This Saturday, Green Bay will travel to Atlanta and pull out a convincing victory over the Falcons.  And then the week after that, the Packers will beat the Bears in dramatic fashion and punch their ticket to the Super Bowl while simultaneously making Lovie Smith cry like a little bitch.

How do I know this, you ask?  I’ve never been the type to say that the Packers have any game in the bag.  I’m wary of just about every team they play throughout every season, even the Lions.  I mean let’s face it, yesterday was probably the first time this season the green & gold showed any sign of a running game.  And it’s no secret that our special teams (specifically kick returning) could use some major work.  So why am I so confident?  Why do I know that the Packers will be suiting up on February 6th.  The answer, my friends, can be found in two words: Ghost Belt.

For those of you unfamiliar, ”Ghost Belting” occurs when an individual pantomimes a championship belt around their waste in an effort to confirm greatness to constituents and show superiority to opponents.  In recent months, the ghost belt has frequently been utilized by Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

To be honest, I’m quite surprised that other NFL players have not added the ghost belt to their arsenal, as its power is unfathomable.  Professional wrestlers have been attempting to harness the force of the ghost belt for years, some more successful than others.  It’s about time that the move has worked its way through the ranks and into the mainstream limelight.  The move is so powerful, in fact, that pictures or videos of the act are almost impossible to find online.  My guess is that countless amounts of computers have already exploded and become casualties when naïve people have made attempts to upload the almighty ghost belt.  The power of the move is just too much for the Internet to take.

So my advice to the rest of the NFC: close up shop and focus on next season (if there is one).  The ghost belt has decided to settle its aura in Titletown for the winter, so get the fuck out of our way.

Dead To Me

August 18, 2009

The day was September 20, 1992.  I was ten-years-old.  Don Majkowski, the only Packers quarterback I had ever known, went down with an injury.  Head coach Mike Holmgren quickly sent in some guy with a #4 on his jersey; and for the next fifteen plus years, everyone within the borders of Wisconsin had trouble imagining anyone else taking a snap for Green Bay.

I must admit, I was one of those guys who defended Favre over the past few years.  When he still played for Green Bay and everyone claimed he was using his influence to convince the Packers to make key decisions, I thought to myself, “This is arguably the greatest quarterback to ever play the game.  Maybe you should listen to him.”  When he claimed he was forced into retirement and shunned when attempting to return, I kinda understood his argument.  I didn’t even mind when he went to New York.  I gave Brett Favre a seemingly endless amount of leeway, simply because he gave us so many years of great football.  Short of stabbing my mother or taking my CDs out of alphabetical order, I wasn’t sure if this man could do anything to make me hate him.

But all of that has changed now.

Because this fucking prima donna waste of blood has decided to suit up for one of my two least favorite things in football, The Minnesota Vikings.

Now if you want to dispute me and throw some rationality my way, go right ahead.  Tell me about how the NY Jets released Favre and he’s free to do what he wants.  Tell me about how he made such a smart decision because Minnesota’s strong running game will take some of the pressure off of him while simultaneously giving him a better opportunity to excel.  You can even tell me how smart the move is because the Vikings are (shudder) “Super Bowl Contenders.”  Tell me everything you can think of.  None of it matters.  And it’s for one reason and one reason alone…


Now don’t get to hung up on the word “Packers” from that sentence.  Instead, focus on the word “fan.”  In the context of sports, “fan” is short for “fanatic.”  This means that when it comes to the Packers, all of your rationality, logic, and sensible insights mean fuck all to me.

It basically just boils down to this: No matter how much he was once loved by the folks of the Badger State, Brett Favre is now its #1 enemy.  And even though you led us to a Super Bowl; even though you gave us tons of unforgettable memories, I must say this:  Fuck you Brett Favre.  I hope only the worst for you and your team when you step onto the field, especially against my Packers.  I was gonna close this by reminding you to throw to the purple jerseys now, but you’ve already been doing that for the last seventeen years.