Posts Tagged ‘Wrestlemania’

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

July 1, 2013

The good Lord has blessed me.

He/she/it has put me in a position of great fortune. I’ve been lucky enough find an awesome woman willing to marry me and be the focal point of my life. I have two dogs that leave minimal amounts of shit and piss around my apartment. I’ve acquired a handful of friends willing to tolerate the compulsive urge I have to spew useless knowledge regarding music, movies, and sports. I have a job (shitty as it may be) that pays the bills with a little left over to have fun every now and again. And to top it off, I live in Milwaukee, where we take our drinking seriously. (I’m three beers in as I type this)

And yet…..something’s missing.

Just like every other red-blooded American with a pulse, I want more. I’m not sure if contentment is something that we as humans should strive for, but I’m fairly sure it’s an emotion that will escape me as long as there is air in my lungs. Anytime I reach a destination in one facet of life, I immediately look to the next hurdle to improve my own situation. I want to buy a house. I want to be self-employed. I want the world to realize that Cheap Seats (Without Ron Parker) was one of the most underrated shows in television history. But right now, at this very moment (four beers in), none of that shit matters. Because right now, my goal is to be friends with this guy…


I’m sure many of you are confused right now. If you happen to be an avid wrestling fan, however, you probably know exactly who this guy is. I honestly didn’t notice this guy until the day after Wrestlemania in 2012 (which is why I’ve dubbed him “The Brock Lesnar Guy”), but ever since then I’ve seen him sitting in the front row of countless televised WWE & TNA events. If you happen to know me and are aware of my obsession with professional wrestling combined with my travel habits, you are also quite aware of just how envious I am of this dude’s life.

I have no idea how “The Brock Lesnar Guy” is able maintain this lifestyle, but here are some theories.

1. He is a wrestling journalist.

2. He is an international jewel thief, hiding in plain view from the Feds in the front row of Monday Night Raw.

3. He is scouting the competition for Bruno Sammartino, who is prepping to annihilate everyone.

4. Underneath his chair, he has the Undertaker’s urn, and sits in a constant state of readiness to summon the Deadman if necessary.

5. He is the best professional wrestler in the history of mankind, merely sizing up his competition and waiting for the most opportunistic moment to take his place as undisputed champion.

(Five beers in)

No matter what the reason, I need to meet this guy.

I can just picture it now: “The Brock Lesnar Guy” and I going to an episode of Raw, nonchalantly taking the best seats in the house, and ruthlessly insulting every wrestler and manager we see for no reason other than they can actually hear us. And then after a few months and a couple dozen shows, he’ll make me feel like the belle of the ball when he ever so subtly suggests I be his guest to the upcoming Wrestlemania. It will be the most glorious and “kinda gay but not really gay” moment of my life; kinda like when two wrestlers hug in the middle of the ring and seem to be oblivious to the fact that they are both covered in sweat, baby oil, and are essentially only wearing underpants.

So now this is where I need help from you, my valued reader, to assist me in my quest of finding and befriending the ever elusive “Brock Lesnar Guy.” I have no idea how to locate him, so I have begrudgingly created a facebook page in an effort to find my new friend (fingers crossed!). Please go to the site here and get some buzz going. I’m not sure if I deserve this, but a false sense of entitlement didn’t stop the Kardashians. Why should I be any different?

(Six beers in)


Countdown To Wrestlemania 29: My Predictions

April 7, 2013


The days of waiting have turned into mere hours. Wrestlemania 29 will soon be upon us. As I do every year, I present my predictions for these scripted competitions:

 Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins will defeat Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls.

 Chris Jericho will defeat Fandango.

 Mark Henry will defeat Ryback.

 The Shield will defeat Randy Orton, Sheamus, & The Big Show.

 CM Punk will defeat The Undertaker and end “The Streak.”

 Triple H will defeat Brock Lesnar.

 Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston will take the WWE Tag Team Championship from Team Hell No.

 Alberto Del Rio will retain the World Heavyweight Championship by defeating Jack Swagger.

 John Cena will claim another WWE Championship when he defeats The Rock.

(And call it a hunch, but I believe Dolph Ziggler will successfully cash in his Money In The Bank briefcase tonight and leave Wrestlemania 29 as a dual champion.)

Enjoy the show folks. I personally will be watching Wrestlemania 29 and attending a live Whitest Kids U Know show tonight. And wouldn’t you know it, I found a video that combines them both.

Countdown To Wrestlemania 29: The (Almost) Lost Article

April 6, 2013

(The following is an article I did about tomorrow’s Undertaker Vs. CM Punk match. It was originally supposed to run on another site, but hey, shit happens. So Instead of having it lost forever, here it is. Hopefully it will wet your whistle for tomorrow night, Wrestlemania 29!)

For the past four years, the Undertaker has delivered some of the greatest matches of his career at Wrestlemania. But why? Is it due to anticipation WWE has built by turning the Deadman into a “once a year” attraction? Maybe. Is it because ‘Taker has been paired with wrestlers like Shawn Michaels and Triple H? Perhaps. Is it because the lore of “the Streak” has become a catalyst that practically sets the stage for an epic match? It seems fairly obvious that the WWE brass thinks just that.

And who better to test that theory than CM Punk.

The last four years have seen the WWE stacking the deck in regard to the Undertaker’s opponents. With challengers like HBK and HHH, we’ve become accustomed to a certain caliber of wrestler taking on “the Streak”. It’s for this reason that many were a little surprised, maybe even upset, when CM Punk was given the opportunity to put a “1” on the right side of the Phenom’s Wrestlemania record. For as experienced and talented as the Straight Edge Superstar is, he doesn’t have the name recognition or living legend status as ‘Taker’s last two opponents.

And this is why CM Punk will (or at least should) defeat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania.

Unlike wrestlers like John Cena, Brock Lesnar, and the Rock, CM Punk has yet to be given that push to the next level. His 400+ day title reign has put him among the elite of the current WWE roster and shown that the company has faith in his development. However, now Punk’s name needs to stand comfortably beside some of the greatest wrestlers of all time, and cleanly pinning the Deadman on wrestling’s grandest stage could easily make that a reality. The Voice of the Voiceless has all of the tools to become the company’s next legend in the making and usher in a new era of wrestling.

As much as all of us have enjoyed (and maybe even grown up) watching the Undertaker compete over the last 20+ years, it may be time to see the Deadman’s swan song. At last year’s Wrestlemania, ‘Taker proved that he does indeed still have what it takes to give audiences an incredible show. Unfortunately for us fans, he can’t do it forever. And as Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, and Jeff Hardy have clearly shown us; leaving the WWE as a winner is not likely. So for as strange and off-putting as it may seem to see The Phenom on his back at the show of shows as the ref’s count hits three, it would actually be the greatest gift he could give to the wrestling fans.

If the Undertaker’s Wrestlemania record remains untarnished, it would simply be a wasted opportunity on WWE’s part. Every epic title reign eventually comes to an end, and “the Streak” should be no different. CM Punk has paid his dues and shown he’s ready to take his career to the next plateau and become “the 1 in 20-1.” As for the Undertaker, no one match could ever destroy the reputation he’s earned as one of wrestling’s greatest. He has gained an unfathomable amount of respect from fans and wrestlers alike, and I’m sure he will show everyone how a true legend leaves with class.