Movies To Watch With Grandma

So after weeks of pleading with my wife, I finally convinced her to sit down and watch The Human Centipede with me.  The premise is rather simple; a nutjob doctor of German descent (of course) abducts three people with the intention to turn them into the namesake of the film.  The process, which is supposedly 100% medically accurate, basically involves attaching the three of them ass to mouth. This means the front portion eats food and shits into the middle person’s mouth who then does the same to the final third of the centipede.  The film is presented as realistically as possible; using no music, almost no indication that anyone will help these people, and a strange sense that this could actually happen to you.

All in all, it was one of the most fucked up films I’ve ever seen, and it got me thinking…

What are the most “quiver in your seat” kind of movies ever made?

Now I’m sure there’s a lot of fucked up shit I haven’t seen, but here’s ten more films that have succeeded beautifully at giving me the heeby jeebies.

#10. The Exorcist

I was brought up Catholic, and any good Catholic who’s been swallowing spoonfuls of guilt and fear throughout their lives will easily be horrified while watching this film.

#9.  Hated: GG Allin & The Murder Junkies

Though actually a documentary, Hated still has more than it’s share of moments that will have you looking away.  Chronicling the life and last tour of punk rocker GG Allin, you’ll see everything from the band beating the shit out of their own fans to Allin himself drinking a woman’s piss right from the source.  Oh, and lest we forget GG taking a shit onstage and smearing it on his own face.  Interesting side note; this film was the directorial debut of Todd Phillips (Road Trip, The Hangover).

#8. Audition

Leave it to the Japanese to really make you wince.  This entire film just let’s the tension build and build until the last fifteen minutes, where things are done with acupuncture needles that you just have to see for yourself.

#7. Paranormal Activity

Had Speilberg not gotten his hands on this one and altered the ending, it might’ve been perfect.  The fact that our main characters are asleep for a good chunk of this movie and recording it themselves taps into the vulnerability we’ve all felt at one time or another.  Absolutely terrifying.

#6. Halloween (1978)

Necessity is the mother of invention.  And It’s absolutely amazing how a few Steady-Cam shots, a haunting score, and a Bill Shatner mask can scare the living shit out of you.

#5. The Blair Witch Project

Another shining example that big budget dollars are not a necessity for big scares, Blair Witch was a shining example that what we don’t see is often the most terrifying.  When watching it alone, I can honestly still feel my heart rate go up a little during the last few minutes.

#4. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

For as much as I actually liked Marcus Nispel’s remake of this one, you just can’t recapture the snuff-film style of the 1974 version; it simply can’t be done.  The entire feel of the original almost leads you to think a documentary crew is following these kids, just waiting to capture their demise on celluloid.

#3. The Last House On The Left (1972)

Predating every other film on this list, you could call this one something of a pioneer.  However, this directorial debut of Wes Craven is anything but perfect.  There’s a ton of bad dialogue and awful comic relief throughout.  But when it’s on, it’s really on.  The story of a group of morally depraved criminals kidnapping, raping, and murdering two girls includes some of the most brutal and degrading scenes I’ve ever seen.  A little relief is provided when the murderous gang receives their just desserts by unknowingly seeking refuge in the home of their victim’s parents, but there’s still a lot of tough to watch scenes here.

#2.  I Spit On Your Grave

The next time you have a bunch of people over and you want them to leave, pop this DVD in.  Even the most joyous, good-time having mood can easily be stifled after this one.  The story is pretty basic: A woman goes to a cabin in the country to write a novel.  She is then abducted, raped, and left for dead by four men.  Then, she finds all four and takes her revenge.  Doesn’t sound too bad, right?  Well, what if I told you that the rape scene occupies 24 minutes of the movie.  Yeah.  Fucking brutal.  I’m still not sure whether the director is a genius or a deviant.

#1. Cannibal Holocaust

Here it is.  The sickest of the sick.  The grossest of the gross.  Cannibal Holocaust’s plot involves a group of documentarians trying to capture footage of an elusive cannibal tribe.  When they don’t return, a search party is sent to find them, but is only able to recover their grizzly footage.  This one has almost every element a film can have to make you walk away from it.  Containing brutal rape scenes, cannibalism (of course), and the depravity of those desperately seeking fame, a good chunk of this one is of course shown in “documentary-style,” giving it an all too real feeling.  And believe it or not, some of it actually is real.  The film contains several scenes where the crew kills animals for food, and the director decided to use the real thing.  This combined with all the other horrible brutality in the film actually got the director put on trial in his home country when the film was released.  And if you’ve seen it, I’m sure you understand why.

So there it is; my list of the most creepy and stomach turning things I’ve ever seen on film.  If you think I missed something (which I’m sure I did), let me know.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take shower.

My Halloween

Howdy folks. Hope everybody voted today.

Don’t worry, I’m not here to tell you how I think you should vote.  It’ll only end in me angering up my own blood as I piss off half the people in the country.  No, instead I just wanted to show you a few pictures from Halloween.

To be perfectly honest, I’m something of a “Halloween Grinch.”  I hate seeing the bulk of the twenty-something crowd going out with completely unoriginal and uninspired costumes.  The men wear costumes drawing attention to their crotch (like the “human breathalyzer test” with the conveniently placed “blow here” tube) and all the girls go as a “sexy” version of something.  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with these costumes, but it’s a pretty safe bet that a ton of folks “settled” on something like that rather than trying to come up with something original.

This brings me to my costume.  My wife Jackie (it’ still kinda weird calling her that) gave me almost a month’s notice to come up with an idea.  I spent weeks trying to come up with the most creative and/or offensive costume I could think of.  After some careful considerations, I suggested that the two of us spike up our hair, dye it red, hang action figures from our body, fly miniature R/C airplanes around ourselves and go as the Twin Towers (what? Still too soon?).  Jackie quickly squashed the idea  and subsequently sent me back into my seasonal slump.  I was fully prepared to just sit back, ignore the holiday, and embrace the one good thing about Halloween, the saturation of horror movies on TV.

But I couldn’t.  I had to do something. So, I took the easy way out and suggested to Jackie that we both go as zombies.  When she asked me what kind of look I wanted, I told her I wanted it to look as realistic as possible.  I figured if I can’t come up with an original idea, maybe I’ll at least look disgusting.

So after a day of shopping and about $35 spent on makeup for the two of us, Jackie actually helped me enjoy Halloween by making me look like one of the grossest zombies I’ve ever seen. Romero would be proud.

Not to be outdone, she also did an awesome makeup job on herself in what I like to call her “Rhianna picture.”

So I hope everyone had a good Halloween, ‘cuz I surprisingly did.