Sure, it’s been quite a long hiatus for me. I’ve gotten a little older, and I’m figuring that “a little wiser” thing will come along any day now. But in the meantime, I’m working on settling into my existence where I legitimately have an interest for the best deal on Ore Ida French Fries and I curse the world for not thinking like me. I figure until that wisdom thing comes along, bitterness is definitely the way to go.
The death of 2011 seemed like as good a time as any for me to get back on that hobby horse and really show-off my lack of knowledge to the world. So let’s take a look back at the top stories of 2011.
Happy News
There really wasn’t much of this throughout the year, so we’ll just get it out the way. The royal wedding of William & Kate played like a fairy-tale come to life; and subsequently proved that our planet is just one big high school where the kids from rich families get everything they could ever want for no other discernable reason other than it seems to be their birth rite. Well, at least there was the constant, non-stop, unrelenting playing of Adele’s last album on every single radio and video station to fall back on. As harsh as that comment may sound, I actually needed “Rolling In The Deep” to attack me from all angles; anything to help me forget that groups like LMFAO and Middle Class Rut are churning out sounds that I’ve been told are actually music.
Sad News
Remember when your teacher would ask what you wanted to be when you grew up and inevitably you or one your friends would respond “I wanna be an astronaut.” Well, if you’re an American and you’re not Lance Bass, consider that dream as dead as the heterosexual male fan base of Glee. And if you’ve already moved past that and are just hoping for that pay raise at your shitty job, don’t count on it. Your boss can still use 2011’s shit-storm economy as an excuse. How the fuck are we supposed to occupy Wall Street if we can’t even afford to get there? I guess we truly are the 99%.
True Crime
Some interesting precedents were set in 2011, and quite frankly I’m glad they were. If some of these big stories hadn’t hit throughout the year, I would’ve been totally in the dark about how to handle certain situations. For instance, if the trunk of my car stunk of human decomposition, and I spent weeks lying to cops about the whereabouts of my missing daughter, I figured that the dots could be connected and link me to the crime in some way. Whoa, was I ever wrong. I should’ve learned my lesson with OJ, but it’s good to have a refresher course every now and then. And on top of that, I also discovered the best course of action when you see a colleague raping a little boy; just tell your boss and let him handle it. No need to make a big thing out of it. So thank you Ms. Anthony and Mr. Sandusky; your respective situations have taught me so much. I hope you sleep well.
Death
Once again, death was the biggest winner of the year. The earthquakes in Japan killed thousands and humanity mourned. Political figures (Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, Gadhafi) dropped like flies and humanity rejoiced (maybe a little too much). Steve Jobs shuffled off this mortal coil and a collective “Uh-oh” could be heard throughout the Silicon Valley. Amy Winehouse died and surely made a few wallets fatter for whoever had her in their “celebrity death pools.” And strangely enough, probably the easiest celebrity death to make fun of was the one that hit me the hardest. I suppose though, when some Jackass spends ten years making you laugh, it’s tougher to take. RIP Ryan Dunn.
Sorry to get all serious and shit toward the end, but 2011 definitely had some speed bumps. But I suppose I should look at the bright side: The Packers won the Super Bowl (and will soon repeat), I have thoroughly enjoyed re-immersing myself into the world of the WWE, and I survived my first full year of marriage. And 2012 can only get better….unless the Mayans were right.
